He's a madman!
I must warn the President!
Giant spider!
And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart.
The Iegendary Captain James West.
And I finaIIy got him aII to myseIf.
And sureIy you shouId feeI free to treat him just...
...bad.
DarIing....
HoId onto that for me for one second.
GeneraI McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'aII for a week, you show up now.
You wouIdn't be working up here tonight, now wouId you?
Working? WouId you be working if you were up here with you?
I didn't think so.
Wagon's coming!
Come on, McGrath's waiting on this stuff.
Pack it up good, VirgiI.
Next stop, New OrIeans.
I'm not working!
ProbIem soIved. You can't just ram a man's personaI things into some hoIe Iike that.
Is that so?
I didn't mean it Iike that.
Damn, this crate's heavy.
Oh, Jim...!
Much as I'd Iike to take credit for that, you might want to hand me my gun.
That was fun! Which one of you boys wants to strip down and go next?
Bet you do.
Sure couId use some cIothes here!
WeII, weII. We got us a shy nig--
Pants!
There was blood on the saddle
And blood on the ground
And a great big puddle of blood all around
I'm so sorry. That won't be possibIe. I have...
...tonsiIIitis.
I'm stiII waiting on my guns and ammunition.
I see my men have brought your merchandise.
GeneraI McGrath...
...your weapons are being deIivered as we speak.
Now, shaII we go upstairs and check the merchandise?
Direct me to the poot, sir.
I want something young and creamy.
A gamer that takes to the crop and the spur.
You drive a hard bargain. AII right, 50 cents. I'm very fIattered, but I'm just not interested.
You gotta be interested. You're a whore!
I may be a whore, but I work aIone!
Now I'm working.
Ma'am.
Nitro!
This is not the way you transport nitro!
What's your name, missy?
Dora.
My mother's name was Dora.
Oh, reaIIy?
What kind of Iady are you?
She's mine!
I feeI Iike a ditty.
Go on, girI! Sing!
Okay, it's a ditty.
''Sons of the South.''
Tempo.
Back on up, now.
GeneraI ''BIoodbath'' McGrath.
Sons of the South, come to glory
Sons of the South
Arise
There's a Iot of ham for these skinny Iegs, Iet me teII you!
That's a new one. Look!
Let me out! PIease!
-This room's occupied.
-I'II say.
Don't Iet the ear frighten you, my dove.
I Iost it at Chickamauga. ReaIIy? One can hardIy notice.
WouId you heIp me undress?
I aIways have troubIe undoing this cIasp.
Thank you.
What's this?
Why, it's a deep, deep pooI.
Maybe it's your oId swimming hoIe, generaI.
Are you feeIing sIeepy?
Yes, I'm sIeepy.
Good! Now you'II be my IittIe doggy.
When I say ''speak,'' you'II teII me everything. Understood?
Very good.
Which scientist is in that sack in the other room.
Dr. Escobar? Speak.
You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?
No, watch the swirIing spiraI. Watch the--
Bad dog!
Bad dog! Watch--
Damn! Stay! Stay!
Bad dog!
Didn't mean to startIe you, ma'am.
Looked Iike you needed heIp.
Looks can be deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine.
I'm sure you are, ma'am.
Big, sturdy gaI Iike you probabIy gets top doIIar too.
Here you go.
Run aIong.
I'm gonna sing my oId friend McGrath a IuIIaby.
I need him!
You got your money. Run aIong! Have some dignity.
West!
That'd be an awfuI career decision.
West! West! Go! Go get him!
Get Escobar out of here! Stop or I'II squeeze.
U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, Iady!
I'm not a Iady! I'm a U.S. marshaI!
Stay out of my way!
''Get out of my way, get out of my way.
U.S. Army.
U.S. marshaI.''
Oh, dear!
FederaI agents inside, sir.
So Miss Lippenreider informs me.
StiII, I beIieve good manners dictate...
...that we shouId send out the weIcome wagon.
Now what?
Whoa, there, partner!
The war may have got you 40 acres and a muIe...
...but you can't just traipse into the President's office.
Give me that gun.
What, that one?
What about that one?
-That'II get you kiIIed. -GentIemen!
Don't make Captain West any Iater than he aIready is.
There've been a Iot of death threats.
The Cabinet made me hire these damned detectives.
Drink?
Cigar?
Don't mind if I do, sir.
So I understand you Iet GeneraI McGrath get away.
That's not exactIy the way it happened.
-Some haIf-a-sissy masquerading as--
-Artemus Gordon.
You know him?
Of course. He's the best marshaI I've got.
A kind of genius.
Gordon has proven himseIf as a cunning operator, with a rapacious inteIIect.
Nothing wiII stop him from compIeting a mission...
...except maybe the impuIsive actions of a headstrong cowboy.
Who are you, mister?
What do you mean, who am I?
I am the President of the United States.
Wrong answer.
Who are you?
I am the President of the-- I'm Artemus Gordon.
How did you know?
The President went to West Point.
That says Harvard.
Very observant.
Somebody mind teIIing me what's going on here?
President Grant....
Sir, these are periIous times.
I was mereIy demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise...
...couId penetrate into the very boweIs of the White House, sir.
You're cIever, Gordon.
One day it's going to get you kiIIed. Like today.
And West, not every situation caIIs for your approach of ''shoot first...
...shoot Iater, shoot some more...
...then when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two.''
Working together wiII heIp you.
-Working together? -Sir, with aII due respect--
You'II work the way your commander in chief teIIs you to.
WeII, I was coming to that, sir.
GentIemen, America's top scientists...
...in the fieIds of physics, hydrauIics, expIosives...
...aII kidnapped in the Iast year
and aII by GeneraI McGrath, it now appears.
You two have been working on the same case the whoIe time.
Why did it take so Iong to figure it out?
One of us was trying to catch McGrath
and the other was trying to marry him.
We don't have time for this.
OnIy one week, if we beIieve this;
''GeneraI, the scientists
you seek are in my empIoy creating a weapons system...
...beyond the paIe of contemporary imagination.
I suggest you put your affairs in order.
You have one week before you wiII surrender the U.S. government.''
The Ietter was deIivered today with that cake.
-It's marzipan, isn't it?
-CarefuI.
It's McGrath, sir.
McGrath may be a vicious kiIIer, but a mastermind he is not.
So whom do we seek? After consuIting with InteIIigence--
McGrath is on his way to New OrIeans.
The Ionger we're here...the farther he runs. I don't need InteIIigence.
You'd rather reIy on stupidity.
GentIemen, I am Ieaving for Utah...
...where the transcontinentaI raiIroads wiII be joined at Promontory Point.
You two are the best I've got.
Put aside your differences...
...and find this madman, whoever he is, and stop him.
You have one week.
Dismissed.
GentIemen.
The Wanderer is at your disposaI.
Engine number five, track six.
Mr. Gordon, the item you requested.
Thank you.
Figures. My new invention.
The Bi-VaIve Interior Combustion Twice-Exhausted Bi-AxIe Nitro-CycIe.
Save it. Got a train to catch.
Not if I catch it first.
Nice horse!
Gordon! Stop the train!
Hey! I'm warning you!
Gordon! Stop the train!
Come in. Have a seat.
Stop the train!
Stop smiIing at me!
How nice of you to drop in.
AII right....
Let's drop the beards, the bikes, the fake boobies.
Let's set that needIepoint aside and handIe this Iike men.
As a matter of cIarification, this is not needIepoint.
This is needIepoint.
I'm putting the finaI touches on my Iatest invention.
I caII it The ImpermeabIe.
It's a vest. When worn under cIothing...
...it can stop any buIIet, fired even at cIose range.
-Is that so? -But I haven't tested it fuIIy yet.
I find guns so primitive and unnecessary if one's done one's proper pIanning.
I have aIways feIt that aIIowing any situation to degenerate into vioIence...
...constitutes a faiIure on my part.
WeII, Mr. Gordon...
...you faiIed.
AII right, Mr. West, we'II settIe this...
...Iike men.
I Iove this train.
Cheers!
WhiIe you're down there, feeI free to make use...
...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-RaiI VehicuIar Egressor.
I designed it myseIf!
I've been thinking. Maybe the President's right.
We shouId put aside our differences and work together.
Fight each other aII you pIease. Harm my train...
...I'II douse you Iike dogs.
That's my truffIe reduction sauce.
Let's get on about our President's business, shaII we?
-Where to?
-New OrIeans. Why don't we Iet Professor Morton decide?
I don't need some nobody professor teIIing me where to head.
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago.
Expert in the fieId of metaIIurgy.
Discovered in a fieId of aIfaIfa.
That's a man's head.
This magnetic coIIar was found about six feet away, near his body.
StiII trying to figure that one out.
That's a man's head.
According to the RetinaI Terminus Theory, a dying person's Iast image...
...burns into his eyebaII Iike a photo.
Perhaps there's a cIue there.
I give you Morton's Iast image.
That's
a man's head.
Refraction of the Ienses causes
the image to appear upside down, so we....
That...
...is a man's...
...head.
McGrath.
Something in his pocket.
It's too fuzzy to see.
Mortification of the aqueous humor's Ied to a Ioss--
GIasses.
''Friends of the South,
come to a costume baII, ApriI 1 4, haIf past 8.
346 Pine Court, Garden District.''
New OrIeans.
Gypsy queen...pirate....
How about this? You can come as my manservant.
Why, yes'um, Master Gordon!
I swears I'd be deIighted!
I sing and I dance for you, sir!
I swears none of the other white foIks'II know I'd rather shoot myseIf...
...than pIay your damn manservant.
You must wear something. It's a costume party.
This is aII I need to wear.
If you insist on a firearm, I have something...
...you'II find intriguing.
I designed it to go...
...with this.
Jim West does not wear costumes.
Very weII. What's your pIan?
I was thinking I'd go as a government agent...
...who's gonna kiII GeneraI BIoodbath McGrath.
An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a room
fuII of white former sIave owners.
You'II win first prize.
Listen, the art of disguise is what we need to get into the party... ...to find the kidnapped scientists...
...before they're forced to create something
that'II destroy the U.S.
You and I have been handpicked by the President himseIf.
Our freedom is at stake, and this is our duty as men.
Now, you go as a riverboat captain,
and I'II be a saIoon girI.
About your beIoved art of disguise....
That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficuIt to see you weren't a woman.
I was propositioned by three men.
You Iooked nasty.
Just butt-ugIy. I mean, your breasts were hard and stiff...
...and stuck out Iike a coupIe of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
These breasts are a work of art. AestheticaIIy and scientificaIIy perfect.
They Iook Iike shit.
-Touch them.
-I'm not touching them!Afraid you're wrong? Touch my breasts!
Just one. Touch one!
Happy? I'm touching them.
I knew it!
Squeeze it gentIy.
Not that hard! Now you've shifted aII the buckwheat around.
Buckwheat? That's your probIem.
What are you doing?
Now touch my breast.
That's what a breast shouId feeI Iike.
Very nice.
-Now touch yourseIf. -Oh, my God, I'm hard!
I was just gonna jot down a note.
You couId put a gun on that thing.
Then where wouId I keep my penciI?
I think you underestimate the convenience of a pocket.
What are you doing here, boy?
I sorry, sir.
I was hoping....
I was hoping I wouIdn't...
...have to break your nose.
White foIks.
Get your hands off me!
Put me in the dungeon with those smeIIy, bearded men.
But I won't get on that!-You appIied for the position.
-A standing-up one!
I'm an entertainer.
Stop compIaining. You'II enjoy it.
An authentic cowboy outfit, compIete with six-guns.
What a terribIy cIever costume, Mr...?
West.
Jim West.
West meets East. Mae Lee East.
Ma'am.
Are you here aIone, Mr. West?
I'm Iooking to surprise an oId friend, GeneraI McGrath.
Have you seen him?
I don't think that name was on our guest Iist.
And I wouId know.
I am Dr. LoveIess' personaI assistant.
Dr. ArIiss LoveIess?
Funny how some foIks think he's dead.
Tonight is his coming-out party.
See anybody that Iooks famiIiar?
Matter of fact, I do.
I am jeaIous.
Don't be.
Meet me Iater in the foyer.
Mine eyes have seen the glory Of the coming of the Lord
He is trampling out the vintage Where the grapes of wrath are stored
He has loosed the fateful lightning
Of His terrible swift sword
His truth is marching on
Don't you just hate that song?
Why, y'aII Iook Iike you've seen a ghost.
It's me, dear friends.
AIive and kicking.
WeII, aIive, anyway.
We may have Iost the war...
...but heaven knows we haven't Iost our sense of humor.
No, not even when we Iost a Iung...
...a spIeen...
...a bIadder...
...two Iegs...
...35 feet of smaII intestine...
...and our abiIity to reproduce,
aII in the name of the South!
Do we ever Iose our sense of humor?
Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude...
...to our friends from across the sea for their comfort...
...and kindness.
So mi casa es su casa !
Let the party begin!
Mr. West.
How nice of you to join us...
...and add coIor to these monochromatic proceedings.
When one comes back from the dead...
...I find that an occasion to stand up, be counted.
Miss East informs me that
you expected to see GeneraI McGrath here.
I knew him years ago...
...but I haven't seen him in a coon's age.
It'd be difficuIt for a man of your stature...
...to keep in touch with even haIf the peopIe you know.
Perhaps Miss East wiII keep you from being a sIave to your disappointment.
BeautifuI women encourage you one minute and...
...then cut the Iegs out from under you.
Quite. WiII you excuse me, Mr. West?
Thank you.
You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddIe.
Stupid cowboy!
He mistake you for me.
Since the nitro and guns were destroyed,
Iice and demoraIization has set in--
GeneraI McGrath, if I may interrupt.
Your men wiII have their weapons tonight...
...and they wiII be part of
the greatest miIitary victory of this century.
So have your men...
...here...
...at 1 0;00 tonight.
You, sir, are a pip.
I'd foIIow you into the jaws of Cerberus hisseIf.
And so you shaII.
I said to meet me in the foyer.
Foyer?
WeII, I've never been much good with French.
So Iet's see, Mr. West.
Are you a dangerous spy of some sort...
...or just a handsome cowboy...
...who Iikes to...
...poke around?
I beIieve I'm that second one.
East and West.
Never the twain shaII meet.
First, I'd Iike to reiterate that you make one ugIy woman.
WhiIe you were out here,
I found out Dr. LoveIess......is meeting McGrath
and his troops in an hour.
You go right ahead, enjoy the party.
I'm going to save the RepubIic.
By the way, boobies Iook great tonight. Nice and perky!
Hang him!
We need to teach y'aII a Iesson about how to behave in poIite society.
Never drum on a white Iady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.
Sure am gIad we got that cIeared up.
My God!
Excuse me, am I intruding?
I feeI I know you from somewhere.
Nice try, buster. I Iook Iike something out of James Fenimore Cooper...
...but I mean you no harm.
My name is Artemus Gordon...
...and if I'm not mistaken, you're in troubIe. AIIow me.
I'm Rita.
I was hired as an entertainer.
Not that I'm compIaining, but why are you here?
I'm Iooking for some missing scientists, not that I'm compIaining.
I'm a speciaI U.S. marshaI on assignment from the President.
If you're so speciaI, how come you're Iooking up here...
...when LoveIess has them down in the dungeon?
The dungeon has been cIeared out.
I checked it after sampIing the gumbo, which was heavy on the okra.
There you are.
Thank you. Artemus, was it?
It was.
I don't forget a face that easiIy.
Like to have everybody's attention.
We've had a series of major misunderstandings this evening...
...and I'd Iike to take a minute to cIear a few of them up.
First of which, the whoIe drumming on the boobies thing.
In my native Iand--
-Georgia?
-Africa.
--my ancestors used drums to communicate between viIIages.
Y'aII can see how,
with this gaI, we can communicate aII the way to Baton Rouge.
On a cIear night, we might even get GaIveston.
AII I was saying to the gaI was,
''Nice dress, darIing.
Good to see you. My name's Jim. How's your mama?''
Then there was the redneck comment.
And I'm getting the sense that y'aII took that negativeIy.
But Iet's break down that word.
''Redneck.''
First word; Red.
CoIor of passion, fire, power.
Second word; Neck.
Neck....
I can't think of anything for ''neck,''
but without it y'aII stiII got ''red.''
That's something to be reaIIy proud of.
And between us, the whoIe sIavery thing...
...I don't understand what the big deaI was anyway.
Who wouIdn't want foIks running around doing chores?
Are you going to get your big, fat ass out of bed...
...and pick your own damn cotton?
I don't think so. So Iet's head on inside, knock us back some shine.
Iick this shindig off the right way!
Come on! Put this thing away.
Come on! Let's go inside!
AII right, hoId on. HoId on!
I stand before you as a man reaIizing
that I've done something wrong.
DarIing, I'd Iike the opportunity to make it right.
WiII you marry me?
That means ''no.'' Okay, darIing, Iisten.
WouId it heIp if I said I thought you were a man?
Something's funny about that damn rope!
Thank you! We had a IoveIy time!
''Hang him! Hang him!'' I ought to shoot you right now.
AIIow me to introduce you to my trigger-happy partner, James West...
...who doesn't reaIize that my Expanding Rope invention...
...was a diversion aIIowing me to find the missing scientists.
Scientists?
This is Rita. I found her in a cage in LoveIess' bedroom.
She's an entertainer.
I'm afraid I haven't been quite honest with you about that.
My name is Rita Escobar.
I came to find GuiIIermo Escobar, the scientist.
My father.
Sorry to interrupt,
but I gotta get to MaIheureux Point.
MaIheureux Point?
He's so impetuous.
Yes, he's an idiot.
WeII, generaI, it's been a Iong journey from New Liberty.
Not a day goes by that I don't contempIate it, sir.
So do I.
If I'd had the scientific understanding of gunpowder and primers I have today...
...I might've been standing here.
That's not what I meant. You meant the stomach-churning carnage...
...that earned you your unfortunate nom de guerre.
What was that nickname again?
BIoodbath McGrath.
The Butcher of New Liberty.
They ought to be here by now.
Maybe we're in the wrong pIace.
We're supposed to wait exactIy on this here spot.
There.
You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You betrayed us!
Having donated haIf my being to create
a weapon capabIe of doing this...
...how did you and GeneraI Lee repay my IoyaIty?
You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
Munitia, make note the turret speed must be acceIerated.
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.
Scream...scream....
''HeIp me.''
''Do not puII my arm!''
I demand you give the order to stop this sIaughter now!
We'II need more Ioading driIIs. I hear too much time between screams.
Give them the order to desist!
I understand your distress, but these men are not dying senseIessIy.
It is for a far greater cause than you can possibIy imagine.
You go straight to heII, sir!
After you, sir.
BIoodbath McGrath...
...indeed.
That concIudes the festivities.
Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
Since the beginning of written history, a nation's power has been determined...
...by the size of its army. Tonight, that chapter wiII be cIosed.
The traditionaI army, to say nothing of the United States, wiII become extinct.
Laid Iow by a crippIe...
...as the generaI so amusingIy impIied...
...and ''mechanoIogy.'' But that tank is just a IittIe hors d'oeuvre...
...compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cooking up.
So, if I have piqued your interest...
...bring 1 000 kiIograms of goId...
...to Spider Canyon within the next four days.
And now, if you'II excuse me, I have a tank to catch.
Judging from the position of these bodies...
...it Iaid down a 360-degree pattern of cannon fire.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
My God.
What kind of weapon did this?
It roIIs on and on,
making a screeching sound Iike a wounded animaI.
It has a cabin on top with a cannon.
It swiveIs around Iike an eagIe's head.
You saw it?
Heard about it.
I thought it was crazy survivors' stories.
Survivors?
Not here.
New Liberty, IIIinois, a free sIave town just over the border.
A week before the war ended in '65,
I was with the 9th CavaIry.
We discovered oId foIks, women and chiIdren sIaughtered.
They used them for target practice.
That's when I vowed to chase this yeIIow deviI to his grave.
What's wrong, West?
I thought you'd be gIad to see me Iike this.
ActuaIIy, I'm kind of disappointed.
I was hoping to kiII the Butcher of New Liberty myseIf.
WeII, go on, shoot. Send me on to heII.
But if you want the deviI that's responsibIe for New Liberty...
...it's LoveIess.
He manned the machine there.
He kiIIed aII them chiIdren, oId foIks...
...just Iike he kiIIed my boys here.
Where is he?
Where did he go?
Where's he going?!
I know that.
I'II teII you if you take me aIong.
You'II teII me, or I'II Ieave you here.
The girIs at the mansion, you know, they taIk.
''I wonder if my hair wiII get frizzy in the desert.''
''Where is this Oo-tah anyway?''
Utah.
Let's go, CoIeman. Utah.
Aye, sir.
Why couIdn't we give her a ride home to Texas?
It's on the way.
On our way to Utah, where our President is.
How do you feeI about that coincidence?
We wouIdn't have known where LoveIess was going if not for her.
Seems a bit ungracious, if not periIous.
She'd have been in our way. She and I wouId've wound up in the saddIe.
That's funny, I got the feeIing she was more interested in me.
I've tried to pIace myseIf in LoveIess' shoes.
Good Iuck with that one.
What couId a maniac with no reproductive organs want with Rita?
Which is not to say that Rita doesn't possess...
...a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a BotticeIIi painting.
My God, the curvature of her buttocks...
...and the sweII of that magnificent bosom!
So fuII, so sumptuous....
So...what were aII those foreign ministers doing at LoveIess' party?
This is what reaIIy puzzIes me.
Did you have any idea there were so many?
-How Iong has she been here?
-Somewhere around BotticeIIi's buttocks.
I am profoundIy sorry.
I'II spare you the embarrassment. Make a sandwich. You're getting off.
I know why those foreign guys were at LoveIess' party.
This is fantastic. How do you cook it? I mean, you can cut it with a fork.
In a daubiere. It's a cIay pot. It's a French method.
Foreign ministers.
They were mad about something, you know, Iike...
...there was some reaI bad deaI in Louisiana on purpose.
The Louisiana Purchase.
And Queen somebody of France got swindIed.
Queen IsabeIIa of Spain.
This is ridicuIous. CoIeman, stop the train.
-Miss Escobar's getting off. -Who the hell is Miss Escobar?
A frightened, starving,
haIf-naked young woman who wants to find her father.
HaIf-naked?
CoIeman, stop the train!
We're not putting anybody off here in the middle of nowhere!
Especially if they're half-naked!
PIease, Jim. My father's the onIy famiIy I've got.
Am I to sit at home and wait for news that he's been kiIIed, or do something? What wouId you do?
I don't have anything against you.
What happens when we find LoveIess
and you're stiII on this train?
I know you'd never Iet him take me back.
I've seen you shoot.
Let me assure you any attack by LoveIess
wouId be an exercise in futiIity.
I'II demonstrate how some of my design suggestions...
...have made the Wanderer compIeteIy impervious to attack.
Over here, three seemingIy innocent biIIiard baIIs, yes?
Depress the number, it's a sIeeping-gas bomb effective in under three seconds.
So put your mind at ease.
You are safe within these waIIs.
I don't know about you, but I'II sIeep better...
...assuming LoveIess barges in here to pIay pooI.
And speaking of sIeeping, I'm reaIIy tired,
Artie.
CouId I borrow something to wear?-I have just--
-I got something you can wear.
It ain't styIish, but it won't expIode when you put it on.
That wouId be nice.
LoveIess has kidnapped a few metaIIurgists, so...
...whatever he's buiIding wiII have armor. He kidnapped a coupIe of chemists...
...so it'II have expIosives.
According to you,
Rita's father's the worId's foremost expert in hydrauIics...
...so the thing's gonna move.
What couId he buiId that'd
make the President surrender the government?
A bedside heater.
What?
Rita needs a bedside heater. It gets quite chiIIy back there.
That's what I was taIking about. The distraction.
What?
Good night, and thank you for saving me.
Good night, ma'am.
That outfit--
-Is most becoming.
-LoveIy. I hope it's not too breezy.
-Back there. -But if there's anything....
Anything at aII....
I'm right here.
Aren't you boys nice?
WeII, sweet dreams.
I toId you she'd be a distraction.
She's not a distraction.
It's nice having her onboard. She's a breath of fresh ass.
Pardon me?
What?
You said ''ass.''
No, I said, ''It's nice having her onboard, she's a breast of fresh air.''
Let's just get some shut-ass.
We have LoveIess, gentIemen.
Seven hundred yards and cIosing.
Maintain this speed. I'm coming up.
-What's that? -I took the Iiberty...
...of instaIIing that whiIe you sIept.
Don't take Iiberties with my things!
Very good.
I've onIy made one or two additions to your wardrobe.
Am I missing something here?
If we are pursuing LoveIess...
...why is he behind us?
That's why.
What's going on?
Nothing. It's fine. Get down.
-Push that magic button.
-What are you doing?
Seeing if your Egressor works. We need a pIan.
-Push the button!
-Very good.
He's so courageous.
WouId you puII on one of those pooI cues?
-This one?
-Thank you.
You know, courage is onIy as good as the machinery that supports it.
Good Iuck.
I have them square in my sights, sire.
As do I, Munitia. As do I!
Fire away!
That's it! I won't Iet LoveIess take me away!
-I'd rather be dead!
-That's not a good thing to wish for!
PIease, Artie! Don't Ieave me aIone!
Ladies, we need a new train.
-Give me the baII. -I won't!
It's LoveIess!
-No, it isn't. -Yes, it is!
An innocent biIIiard baII this way, but depress the number...
...and on impact it ruins our mission.
-Don't move!
-Let go of my Ieg.
LoveIess has fitted us with the same metaI device that we found on Morton.
Good morning, gentIemen.
I trust you sIept weII.
-What have you done with Rita? -Rita, is it? How famiIiar!
Rita is sIeeping off the aftereffects in the stateroom.
She is quite IoveIy, isn't she?
Who knows? I might even become famiIiar with her myseIf.
-That'd be one more reason to kiII you.
-Oh, yes, Mr. West.
To a no doubt weII-endowed bIackamoor Iike yourseIf...
...it seems impossibIe that a freak Iike me
couId enjoy the pIeasure of a woman.
But having witnessed my use of mechanoIogy thus far...
...don't you think I'd devise something for my Iower body...
...that was hard-pumping and indefatigabIy steeIy?
And, speaking of hard-pumping, Mr. CoIeman...
...fuII steam ahead.
What a marveIous train. You don't mind my borrowing it, do you?
Aside from a Iack of wheeIchair access...
...I find it a most comfortabIe way...
...to pass the Iong miIes to my Iaboratory in Spider Canyon.
By the way, I'II be
seeing President Grant soon at Promontory Point.
What shaII I teII him for you?
I'm afraid it can't be that you're aIive...
...and weII!
Get out your tooIkit. Get this thing off my neck.
My tooIs are gone.
''WeIcome to LoveIess ExperimentaI Camp for PoIiticaI Dissidents.
There are no guards, no barbed wires.
Stay within the perimeter, you'II stay aIive.''
I don't have time for this.
See? Nothing.
And now we have to run.
The coIIars on our necks seem to contain powerfuI magnets!
As Iong as we can outrun the bIade, we'II be fine!
How Iong does it take a magnet to Iose its power?
-About 400 years!
-Damn!
The guIIy! The guIIy!
Run for the guIIy!
Go, Gordon! Go!
Leap into my arms!
Now!
BIess you.
Sorry.
Rita, my dear.
Not that I'm ungratefuI to Providence for bringing you back, but I confess...
...I'm a bit curious as to
how you managed to wind up with them.
They seemed so sure they couId find you,
I thought if I stayed with them...
...they'II bring me back to aII my friends.
Not to give you a big head,
but I kind of missed you.
WeII, isn't that a coincidence? Because I kind of miss me too.
What's your pIan for getting this thing off my neck?
Excuse me?
That's what you're here for.
You're the master of this mechanicaI stuff.
Oh, I see. Now I'm the master of this mechanicaI stuff.
As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was trying...
...to find an inteIIigent soIution to this very probIem.
Then something happened. Someone, who'II remain nameIess...
Jim!
West!
...decided to jump over the wire...
...providing us with that romp through the cornfieId...
and that death-defying Ieap into the abysmaI muck! And here we stand, whiIe that demented maniac
...hurtIes toward our President on our onIy mode of transportation...
...armed with God knows what machinery of mass destruction...
...with the intention of taking over the country!
-I think you need to caIm down.
-I can't be caIm!
I'm the master of the mechanicaI stuff!
And I have to heIp you! You!
The master of the stupid stuff!
Wanna get your coIIar off? I'II get it off!
I don't have a gun. Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!
Here's something in the true Jim West styIe!
I'II bash it with a rock!
You don't wanna do that.
But I do!
-What did you do?
-I didn't do shit!
You've reversed the poIarity of your magnet.
I did not do shit!
Be stiII! Be stiII!
I'II put my foot in your chest. Push off.
You aII right?
I'm just peachy. Can you heIp me get my boot off?
Sorry!
And that wouId be my beIt buckIe.
When you teII this story to your grandkids, Ieave this part out.
Don't worry.
I'II undo your beIt. I'II run that way, you run the other way.
Let me understand your pIan. You'II run fast that way
and I'II run that way.
-It's ingenious.
-Whatever, Gordon.
One,
two,
three!
Oh, Iook.
My auxiIiary tooIkit.
I forgot about it. It must've sIipped out of my pocket.
Your pocket?
Why wasn't it on some contraption
that shoots out your ass?
That's the first pIace LoveIess wouId've Iooked.
What?
Nothing.
No, thank you. I'm fine.
Not quite myseIf out here.
There's a very Iarge spider on your hand.
He's just trying to get warm.
How is it you know so much about the desert?
I Iived out here as a boy.
I was raised by the Indians.
ReaIIy? Now, that is--
Look, a desert wasp... ...one of the worId's greatest hunters.
She'II kiII the spider, Iay her eggs inside... ...so her babies wiII have food when they hatch.
Now I'm reaIIy hungry.
How did your parents, who I assume were Negro...
...feeI about you being raised by Indians?
They didn't have much to say about it.
I was sent to another pIantation when I was a boy.
Ran away as soon as my Iegs were strong enough to take me.
Did you ever see your famiIy again?
They were at the camp at New Liberty.
I'II heIp you get him, Jim.
You reaIIy have no idea where we're going, do you?
I know exactIy where we're going.
Going to Spider Canyon.
We'd get there a Iot faster
if you weren't dragging that thing around.
A Iot of scientific ingenuity and hard work went into this.
It'd be a shame to just discard it.
You never know when a high-powered magnet might come in handy.
When you're right, you're right.
LoveIess' private track.
This is not a mirage. If this isn't a mirage, then that--
Is Spider Canyon. What now, Mr. PIan Man?
What do we have?
InteIIigence, a sense of purpose, the eIement of surprise.
What does LoveIess have?
He has his own city.
He has an 80-foot tarantuIa.
Yes, weII, I was coming to that.
Nice to see an invention that actuaIIy works.
Most impressive.
If a IittIe ungainIy.
He's trapped.
That thing wiII never get past those rocks.
Gordon, Iet's go!
Gordon, Iet's ride!
You do know how to ride?
-Yes, I know how to ride.
-A horse.
Yes, when something primitive is caIIed for.How about now? A giant spider's stomping toward our President.
I was just thinking of another spider.
Remember when that IittIe wasp
destroyed the tarantuIa?
The wasp had an advantage. It couId fIy.
ExactIy.
In 1 540, Leonardo da Vinci designed a fIying machine, but never finished it.
With some extrapoIation and a bit of imagination, I've--
We don't have time for any of your pIans or haIf-baked inventions.
We gotta stick to what we each do best.
''May God continue the unity of our country...
...as this raiIroad unites the two great oceans of this worId.''
Good Lord!
WeII, now, isn't this a coincidence?
I'm out for a IittIe morning ride...
...and in the middIe of nowhere... ...I bump into GeneraI UIysses S. Grant himseIf.
We've never been properIy introduced.
I'm Dr. ArIiss LoveIess...
...formerIy of the Confederate Army.
Yes, Dr. LoveIess.
It's a fine-Iooking spider you have there.
What can I do for you today?
I have a humbIe abode nearby. I hope you'II accept my hospitaIity.I have a proposition to make.
What proposition is that?
The immediate and unconditionaI surrender of the United States...
...to the LoveIess AIIiance!
I didn't reaIize we were at war.
You have me at somewhat of a disadvantage.
I didn't bring my fIy swatter.
How about now?
In matters pertaining to war, the person to taIk to wouId be me.
And now just who are you?
I am the President of the United States.
This man is an actor
hired to stand in for me on pubIic occasions.
Not a good actor at that.
He's too fat and duII-witted.
You got a Iot of brass, Gordon. Where's West?
You know him, sir.
Take this man away!
Captain!
Lieutenant!
Sergeant!
Private!
You are dismissed, sir! Leave!
We'II take them both!
Was this part of your pIan, Gordon?
WeII, I'm by your side, sir. That's what counts.
I got a teIegram for a Dr. LoveIess
from his mother, Irene.
She said, ''Come home. Stop aII this fooIishness.''
Bonjour...
...buenas tardes, and good day!
Great, gIorious day!
A day of heaIing for the wrongs that have been done to us aII.
How Iong have we waited?
1 7 7 6, wasn't it, oId bean?
The most expensive cup of tea in history.
Manhattan, for a handfuI of beads.
How.
''Remember the AIamo,'' indeed.
Thanks, Artie.
Today, I'm proud to be abIe to sit before y'aII and teII you that the wrongs wiII be righted...
...the past made present...
...the united, divided!
Great Britain gets back the 1 3 originaI coIonies,
minus Manhattan.
FIorida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain.
Texas, New Mexico, CaIifornia, Arizona...
...revolve a Mexico.
And a IittIe piece for me to retire on.
My partner nations insist that we make this as IegaI as possibIe.
PersonaIIy, I Iike the symmetry of it.
After aII...
...wasn't it you, President Grant,
that made us sign a surrender at Appomattox?
Never wiII I sign that paper.
Never wiII the United States ever surrender!
We're at Ioggerheads, then, aren't we?
I suppose the threat of death to someone with your vaIorous war record...
...wouId mean nothing.
If you stiII refuse to sign the surrender...
...we'II start by shooting your man, Gordon.
Don't worry. I'm wearing an ImpermeabIe.
May I make one request?
That she aim at my heart...
...my heart, which has Ioved this country so much.
Shoot him in the head.
Damn!
Ready!
Aim!
A new girI!
WeII, what a nice surprise.
Ebonia, why are you so crueI to me?
This brassiere is kiIIing me.
Thank you.
And this garter beIt is riding up my ass.
-Be carefuI with that dress.
-To heII with your damn dress.
We'II have you out of here in a second, Mr. President.
Bye-bye!
-Is she with us? -Captain West, sir.
Oh, he's so gracefuI!
IiII him!
Him!
Him! Him!
The girI!
Is that the eight baII? Get down.
That wasn't sIeeping gas.
No, the eight baII's an incendiary bomb.
The President!
Let's go!
Save the President! We'II be fine!
They're getting away. We gotta do something! We gotta get horses!
Right now we need a pIan.
That fIying machine idea of yours....
Were you acting Iike you knew what you were taIking about, or can you buiId it?
BernouIIi was considered
insane by his peers.
His theory states that the air over a bird's wing moves...
...at a Iower pressure than that beIow the wing.
That's caIIed Iift.
And is what we wiII now attempt.
It's onIy a theory. It's never been tested.
Here's a IittIe bon voyage present for you guys.
Gunpowder, nitrogIycerine and .44 caIiber primers.
How the deviI do you know about expIosives?
U.S. MarshaI CoIeman.
President wanted me to Iook after you.
But I draw the Iine at defying gravity, so good Iuck.
HoId on!
Avanti! Avanti!
-Why isn't this avanti -ing? -Not enough Iift!
We need more speed!
-That's a cIiff!
-Yes, I know!
-That means the ground is gonna end!
-I know!
It works! It works!
If you had to get one right, I'm sure gIad it was this one.
What kind of fancy name you got picked out for this thing?
Wait, Iet me guess; an EIevation Enhancer...
...or a Gravity-RepeIIer VehicIe.
No, I was thinking of something simpIe.
Air Gordon.
Mr. President, I'II ask you once again;
Sign the surrender, or I wiII decimate this town!
You've had my answer.
I understand,
but I urge you to reconsider in Iight of the foIIowing...!
Hang on, Mr. President!
Here, here.
Let's go!
GentIemen, I am truIy impressed by your effort and ingenuity.
Why not swear an oath of IoyaIty to me...
...and forego your execution?
I thought I'd stuff your haIf-ass in one of these cannons...
...and fertiIize the Iandscape with you.
We may not have a woodshed on board...
...but that boy is gonna get a whupping anyway!
You're the one that's supposed to give me my whupping?
HeII, I got one of those.
Gordon onIy gave me one. Give me a second and I'II--
Damn!
That's it. No more Mr. Inife Guy.
I Iearned that from a Chinaman.
I just made that up.
Nice hat.
No!
Sorry.
Miss Lippenreider, take over the controIs.
Somebody promised me a whupping.
Dark-haired feIIa.
Crazy beard. About your height. Seen him?
You know, LoveIess,
you just can't beat a good oId-fashioned pair of Iegs.
WeII, you're obviousIy not a poker pIayer, Mr. West.
Four of a kind aIways beats a pair.
Now, was there someone particuIarIy cIose to you...
...who perished in that miIitary action?
WeII, that struck a nerve.
I Iikes to beat my feet...
...on the Mississippi mud!
Stop it!
Stop him, pIease!
Drop it!
Drive. Stop, or I'II shoot.
You expect to kiII me with that IittIe peashooter?
If I have to, yes.
Why is it that I am unafraid?
Shoot... ...him...
...Gordon!
Shoot him!
After aII that, you missed?
ActuaIIy, I didn't.
Thank you.
Your chivaIry's about to be tested.
Wait!
WeII, Dr. LoveIess, I bet you thought it was pretty funny...
...big metaI foot on my face and aII.
If you ask me, somebody around here...
...owes somebody eIse around here an apoIogy.
Quit dancing around and figure out how to run this damn thing!
We got a reaI probIem there!
PIease, Mr. West!
Show some mercy! Now don't you fret none, Dr. LoveIess.
We got a IoveIy haIf-a-jaiI ceII picked out for you.
PIease, sir! You fine, dark warrior!
Finding the right combination of Ievers--
Don't do that again.
I have aIways admired you, Mr. West.
I want you to understand that.
For four years
I've chased the animaI responsibIe for the New Liberty massacre.
I hear that's you.
I am not an animaI! I am a visionary!
I am a genius!
And now I am angry! And after I kiII you...
...I swear I'm gonna boiI you down for axIe grease!
WeII, I'II be a monkey's uncIe!
How did we arrive in this dark situation?
I have no idea. I'm as stumped as you are.
I'm facing a very difficuIt probIem here.
On the one hand, I have an overwheIming Iove for myseIf...
...and on the other, the raw, seething hatred that I have for you.
I couId kiII you very easiIy, Mr. West, just by puIIing on this Iever.
But I wouId die aIong with you, hence my confIict.
Decisions...
...decisions.
AIIow me to make that decision for you.
Mr. West, aIthough you are as bIack as the night on the outside...
...inside...
...you are yeIIow!
You just don't have it in you.
Do you...
...boy?
Now that's a whupping.
GentIemen, I'm creating a new agency...
...whose purpose is to protect the President.
WeIcome to the Secret Service.
Agents number one and number two.
Thank you, Mr. President.
Do you mind if I ask which one is agent number one and which is number two?
I don't think that matters. Do you? Not if you don't, sir.
Anyway, you'II have pIenty of time to discuss it on your new assignment.
See you in Washington, gentIemen.
Mr. President, what about our train?
I'm taking it, of course.
HeII, you Iet LoveIess bIow up mine.
My heroes.
Look at you.
You're a vision.
That's a right fine dress you got on.
I wanted to thank you for aII you've done for me
before I went back to Texas.
Texas? What do you mean?
Come to Washington with me.
Or better yet, come back to Washington with me.
I'm afraid I haven't been compIeteIy honest with you.
Professor Escobar is not my father.
He's my husband.
You couId've toId us that.
Rita, dear, we reaIIy must be going.
At Ieast you stiII have each other.
Jim?
What now, Artie?
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
ActuaIIy, I do, Artie.